I’m taking a break from my usual blog topics to address a topic of great importance.
Ladies (and gay men), you may be wondering if your latest online crush has sociopathic tendencies. Men, you probably have never wondered if you yourself are a Massive Woolly Sociopath (MWS), but believe me, many of you SHOULD.
By nature, the Massive Woolly Sociopath is a carnivore, as long as you’re paying. He also tends to be a “taker.” Although he works a LOT of weekend evenings, often at the last minute, he never has money to do ANYTHING. He is smooth and lies imperceptibly, to the point where it is possible he believes his own gibberish. He maximizes his hunting by sniffing a potential victim’s trail through several holidays (Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day), collecting expensive gifts like video games, until the day he disappears back into his hovel, sated by his loot, and is never heard from by his prey again.
Prey: Women, any and all. Luckily, he seems to prefer more intelligent women who quickly figure out his game and save themselves, some even emailing the newer victims via Facebook to warn them of the Sociopath’s tendencies.
Feeding habits: Voraciously eating victims out of house and home, to the point where he is loading up on the leftovers to take home with him, leaving nothing for his gracious hostess and then not bringing back the plastic containers. When he does bring them back, they are poorly washed and greasy. Additionally, he claims to be a trained chef yet, in the space of five months, never even makes you a cup of coffee.
Signs to look for:
- When asked why he has never mated for life, he responds, without a trace of humor or sarcasm, “Because all women are crazy.”
- He has not had a relationship longer than five months since he was 25, although he is now 42.
- He claims he has a LOT of crazy girlfriends in his past, but has not had any physical affection in almost 2 years (yeah, right).
- Will not be seen, EVER, without a shirt on, no matter what (clearly there is a “666” mark somewhere on his abdomen).
- Befriends your parents on FB, after meeting them once for five minutes. (Clearly too stupid to realize how awkward this will be once he pulls his disappearing act.)
- Befriends one girl he is dating on Facebook, thinking the other women will never Google him.
- Says “bueno” way too much.
- Listens to trance music and only trance music. What the hell?
- Wears jeans with cuffs. What the fuck?
Other identifying marks: Most commonly, in real life he has the initials CJW and prowls on Tangowire.com in search of new prey in the Raleigh/Durham/Apex area. He usually lines up several tasty morsels to feast on at once, which allows him to humiliate a number of women simultaneously; provide a constant source of funds for eating, drinking, and entertainment; and feeding his own delusions about his amorous nature. Additionally, he is not above putting something in your drink to make you think YOU are the reason for the eventual break-up (which you are not quite sure has happened because he doesn’t have the balls to tell you it’s over and simply disappears). The only known antidote is to immediately replace the MWS with the BBITW (best boyfriend in the world) and warn other women of the Triangle what they might discover the hard way if they’re not careful.
Facing the MWS is no easy task, and recovery from the anger and humiliation may take quite some time. Luckily, he is such an asshole by nature that you don’t actually miss him at all when he’s gone. However, here’s the point of this blog: much like climbing Everest unsuccessfully or battling an illness to its own doom, dating the Massive Woolly Sociopath provides excellent memoir and blog fodder, even almost a year later. Thanks, CJW!