When I started this blog I promised myself two things:
First, I wouldn’t use it as a place to simply rant about stuff that bothered me (that’s a particular talent of mine—not for nothing did I receive my high school writing award for my “consistently barbed editorials in the school paper”). Since I have Facebook for that, I didn’t want the blog to be overkill.
Secondly, I vowed that every entry would somehow touch (even if it was just tangentially) on living creatively.
So please forgive me; I’m temporarily throwing that out the window because I have something I want to say. If it makes you feel better, we won’t call this a blog post. Let’s say it is a long footnote to the post on February 28th entitled “In Vino Veritas–NOT.”
In that post, I explained that I had given up drinking wine because it just wasn’t working in my life. I didn’t say I would never have another drink—the occasional glass with dinner or at a wedding or on New Year’s Eve is still likely—but I did say I was replacing regular wine-imbibing with green tea and Italian sodas. I’ve done that, and I’ve felt great, lost weight and been much more focused since. That’s not the part of the original post I’m retracting.
Here’s the line I want to retract:
“Recently, after some wine, things were said and done to someone that was important to me, damaging the relationship irrevocably…. I also have regret. And that probably won’t go away, except I can take comfort in the fact that a little bit of wine made me realize things about myself as well as the other person.”
Well, now I DON’T regret what happened. And I no longer feel guilty about making that person feel bad, if I even did. I’m glad the person I was with revealed himself for the scheming, dishonest, cowardly man that he truly is. If we hadn’t been drinking, it might have taken much longer for me to see his true nature. To put it simply: I spent day one after that night worried that he was dead in a ditch somewhere since he hadn’t responded to my emails and texts (I stopped worrying when I saw him happily posting on Facebook). I spent day two berating myself for being a horrible person who did and said stupid things.
Upon closer inspection of that evening, I no longer blame myself for the events that occurred and I no longer regret that he is out of my life. I do not miss him or weep for him—it was time for him to go. And while I won’t accuse anybody of anything specifically that night, I will say that I was not the one running out every hour or so to buy more wine, I wasn’t the one continuously filling up my glass, and I wasn’t the one doing who knows what else in the kitchen with the drinks. All I’m saying is that it’s very weird I could drink enough to be foggy about what happened that night, but wasn’t hungover at all the next day…
But it all worked out in the end. He walked away (without a word since—no explanation for the relationship’s end, after FIVE months of dating as well as befriending my parents on Facebook—who does that?) with $150 worth of video games, two large jars of Nutella, a $20 leather Moleskine journal and a $20 hand-carved wood pen (the birthday and Valentine’s gifts I’d given him that night) plus all the leftovers from our dinner out. But I walked away with a little more knowledge about how the world works and a lot more sensibility about how I want to behave in the future.
Because next time, I won’t be drinking when a guy tries to take advantage of me. I want to be totally sober when I kick his ass out my front door.
Oh, and to all the single ladies out there, here’s a tip: When you ask a 41-year-old man why he’s never been married or why he hasn’t had a long-term relationship in the last 15 years, and he responds, with a totally straight face, by saying, “Because all women are crazy,”—RUN!
And that, my friends, is the end of that. We now return to our regularly scheduled blog.